The lessons are there, and I haven’t missed not one of them. At 65 years old, I thought I would have most of this down to a science, but I am finding that I am still ever learning how to navigate in this life.

I have had a life of learning, a life of stories, like most of us have I am sure, none are exempt from this ‘school of life’. Being in survival mode most of my life, and experiencing the consequences of irrational life survival decisions puts you in a position of thinking your not one who makes the best decisions, therefore, you question every move, every breath, every thought, after the fact.

The problem with living in survival mode is you are literally doing the best you can do in the situation you are presently in. The problem with this, is you are living in a constant state of adrenaline. Rarely tapped into deep intuition outside of flight mode. Why am I talking about this today?

I am learning to pause, to breathe before I respond. This is in complete contrast to fear and flight mode. Our cortizone levels drop and we are able to see things from a perspective far removed from fear and flight. Rarely do we make the right choices when we are in this mode. Do we survive, heck yeah.. but the damage it brings to our body and to our minds can last forever if we don’t recognize our behavior responses.

For the last year plus, I have been walking through a cancer diagnosis. It was ‘launched’ in pure fear. With no knowledge just that survival response kicking in like a wild fire spreading across an open prairie with winds driving it full force, devouring everything in its path. It was in this mode that I made the decision to deal with my cancer with chemoradiation. A 5 week regimen that was pretty tough to walk through. The last week of this rigorous ‘fix’ was incredibly difficult. I was blistered and burned from the inside out, my mouth full of sores, and lips peeling with skin rashes across my chest and back. The last few days of having to digest the chemo pills (that you weren’t supposed to handle without gloves) were intense. I prayed before the am and pm dose every day before I had the courage to swallow the poison I knew my body was taking in. It was not easy. Karl would stand behind me with hands on my shoulders to let me know I could follow through.

Once I finished the treatment, we both began a huge search to learn what was happening to my body and why. It was a daily quest to gather information. I had refused a horrible standard of care surgery and knew that if I were going to beat this, that I would have to learn more.

Again, another life ‘event’ causing me to question if I made the right choice or not. Its a year later, and I am still recovering from the effects of chemo and radiation. But… what we have learned has been incredibly valuable moving forward. I will take another time to get deeper into that, but this week, I had another one of those glorious epiphanies.

I have been to 5 different Doctors over the last 2 months with numerous scans, labs, a colonoscopy, and another biopsy…the pathology report came back ‘no evidence of disease. I have felt this way for months as I have appropriated integrative measures to rebuild my body and make it strong. So I wasn’t surprised when I got yet another clean bill of health.

What did surprise me, was Doctor 5 saying I should start chemo.

It is here, that the lesson described earlier begins to manifest. I have followed my intuition over the last 9 months as I have learned more about cancer. I have made decisions based on the knowledge learned, and tapping into my intuition, out of survival mode, rather taking a pause…and breathing. Recognizing that I don’t have to make a decision ‘today’. I can pause and breathe, giving me the opportunity to listen. Listen to my body, listen to my mind, and listen to my spirit.

Over these last few years this has been my ‘homework’, and I find that with this diagnosis, it is sharpening me like a fine expensive tool. Its taking time, and it is not easy, but I am learning to recognize what my body is prompting. The good from this? I am no longer responding to my cortisol at the ceiling, but rather stepping back and taking time when my body is in a restful mindful state, and making decisions from that place.

Why is this so important? For one who has lived in survival mode most of her life, I constantly question my ability to TRUST my decisions. This is huge. Does this mean I will always make the right choices, No of course not. But what it does mean, is that I will trust myself as I pause and breathe before running like a bat out of hell to make decisions. For most of you reading this, you probably think why would she feel that way? You have to understand when a ‘behavior’ is repeated over a life time, a bad behavior, it can degrade the ability to trust oneself. In changing life patterns and behaviors, I begin to trust Me. I begin to honor Me, I become more sympathetic and compassionate toward Me.

Something I have lacked most of my life. So I find myself in a state of thankfulness this past week, not for saying no, but for recognizing that I can pause, breathe and make decisions that are not when I am in full throttle drive. I am so grateful that I am making choices that are changing me, causing me to evolve, become that better person, better to me, better to others.

The butterfly effect is at work in me, through me. I can’t wait to see what I become once I spread these wings and take flight from a whole different perspective.

Melody