For most of my life, its been filled with stories of survival.

I turned 65 in July, a huge milestone of maturation they say, lol. Just over a year ago, I was diagnosed with cancer, a frightening word when its first heard. Over this year I have learned more and learned that fear is its partner in crime. Fear fuels ‘survival mode’ living. My journey over this last 9 months has been learning to recognize an incredibly deep rooted behavior that has spanned from my early beginnings to present. Its not something I am proud of, I have spent the last 25 years recognizing its work in my life, and little by little rooting it out when it raises its head. Triggered by years of instability, financial disarray, a difficult marriage riddled with addiction, and a lack of safety to find rest.

Karl, my husband and I began our journey as music partners and distant friends. After a 44 year marriage ending due to illness of my prior husband, I was left to figure life out alone, along with grieving the loss incurred, and a life of 44 years of accumulation of dogs, cats, horses, and lots of stuff to sort through to simplify life to enable me to manage myself.

It was a difficult year that followed giving myself space to all the ‘feels’ that come with a blow to oneself that is at times still difficult to word. But, I had a friend, and that friendship grew into an incredible partnership with a man I had known for years from a distance. He has become a source of safety, stability and deep love that I never knew or felt at this level before. It took a few years to adjust to this new life of less worry, less stress, more trust, more joy, deeper connection and love. It didn’t happen fast, it took my body, mind and spirit to gradually learn to ‘feel’ what these attributes felt like, I am still learning. When you live a life of ‘survival mode’ it doesn’t unfold overnight. It takes time, years to teach the mind, body and spirit that it can ‘rest’ in a way that it hasn’t experienced in generations.

I am still on that path of learning. Karl and I ‘celebrated’ our first year wedding anniversary in the throws of me doing chemoradiation 5 days a week for 5.5 weeks. Needless to say, it wasn’t something that was memorable.

Here we are approaching year two, and I have had a recurrence, the doctors think, lol, I continue to get scans as the doctors are convinced that I ‘still have cancer’, I am not convinced except that I am healed. The triggers are still there, but the response I am living out is beginning to shift. I can be a slow learner, lol, but once I get it, I got it. So I am getting closer to recognizing triggers and behavior patterns that toss me back into that mode of survival, causing my cortisol levels to soar. I have lived there so long, it has taken a lot of work to simply recognize the movement in my body to ‘Pause, Breathe and Respond’ out of my typical flight and fear mode. Its a huge challenge, but I am slowly getting there. I am evolving into a new creation.

There are days when I feel like a caterpillar shoved back into its cocoon when it just wants to fly! The lesson is hard, but the rewards are great, and there, I am pressing myself to trust the process, even when I rarely recognize my own person or the personality that I once embodied, I am slowly morphing into something that it is so incredibly different. I am learning to trust that the growth I am embracing, as difficult as it is, is preparing me for a life of flight that I have yet to experience.

The lesson in this is for me, is for you, for all of us. There are patterns that we have clung to for years that no longer serve us, and really didn’t serve us well if we look deeper. But here we are, in a new season, in a time to evolve. And we get to choose to be willing to become that new thing, or remain staunched in old behaviors that stunt our growth, and even keep us locked in the cocoon never becoming, never evolving. I for one, desire to watch a new life unfold, to embrace the new creation that has yet to be seen. Its not easy. But nothing ever is.

Stepping out of survival, and into living in a way I can’t begin to imagine for me, where are you in this journey?

Melody